Every now and then, my mind drifts off to that moment, overwhelming my entire self with trepidation. 

Today I finally had time for myself. The past few months have been such a blur, weaving in and out of endless nights of work and partying. It is disappointing really, how i wasted this time using the internet, with no purpose at all. The amount of time i’ve wasted thus far would probably total up to a quarter of my life. Resolution #1: Stop using the internet so much. I’ve cut myself out from so many things — reading, writing, music, family, (certain) friends.. These things I would use to think define me. I’ve forgotten. 

I’ve forgotten who I really am. That, or I’ve never known to begin with. I know the reason for my inability to express and difficulty to converse — ignorance. I genuinely see myself as pathetic, mainstream, un-opinionated. Nothing I’m really good at, no stories to tell, no way to describe myself aptly, basically commonplace. Still in search for that something I’d feel strongly for.. 

Back to these couple of months, I’ve been rushing through life and the decisions that ensued. Never with much consideration, just living in the moment. While living in the moment may just sound ideal, I’m beginning to see the wiser options I’ve overlooked. Never did opt for the best for myself, but why in the world do I always settle?

I’m guessing this is one of those days. Those pensive days where I have to clear my thoughts (always the same thoughts) and write/type it out somewhere. Thereafter, resuming my lackadaisical life, living with these inadequacies, until the next time it hits me again. Then again, in the back of my mind is the mainspring of my feeling this way, suppressed, because I’m just afraid to admit, even to myself.